The other day I was coming home with my six year old son . It was a particularly long day for me and by the time I had picked him up from his after school day care, I could think of nothing else but getting home and decompressing.
Now on this particular Friday night, my thirteen year old daughter was going to be babysitting our neighbors boy who is three. Keep in mind that my six year old really enjoys playing with our neighbors little boy. Maybe because he feels like it's his one chance to be the older kid, the big brother if you will, because at home he is the baby of our three kids.
Anyway, upon getting home our daughter is basically walking out to head over to our neighbors when my son says, "I'm coming with!"
My daughter says something like, "Sorry buddy, I'm babysitting over there. You can't come with."
The look on my boys face is like that of absolute betrayal. How can this be? How can his big sister be allowed to go over there but not him? Confusion and jealousy collide and he blurts out, "That's not fair! He's MY friend!"
I tell my daughter to just go and that I will explain it to the six year old. And we all know how simple it is to reason with a six year old, right?
When I tell him she's not going over there to play with his friend but to babysit his friend, he looks at me with these enormous blue eyes and says, "But she ALWAYS gets to babysit him. It's not FAIR!"
It's not fair. At six years old he has already latched on to the concept of what is and what isn't fair in this world. Or should I say, his world..? Of course I had my pat answer at the ready; the same one my parents dished out whenever I uttered the phrase "it's not fair" - can you guess it? Of course you can. Come on say it with me; one, two, three - LIFE isn't fair.
With that, I look at my wife as though to say "How about that? Is that not parenting at its best? Who has ever witnessed such wise parenting skills? I have silenced the six year old’s argument with three words.”
With that my wife turned and walked towards the other room which left me and my son standing there, like duelists ready to draw pistols at dawn. Me, waiting for him to say something else that I could counter with yet another sage cliche, him....ready to cry at how unfair life has become for him.
Three little words - That’s not fair. Now maybe you’ve stopped saying this a long time ago. Maybe the last time you said this was when you were six years old, or twelve years old, or maybe it was last Thursday for all I know. No matter when you might have actually said it last, I’m willing to bet you’ve thought it, and recently I might add.
In this life, we experience many joys and many heartbreaks. We get to be the first in line and then some days we are the last in line. Some days you’re the bug. Some days you’re the windshield. And isn’t it amazing how when things go in our favor, the concept of “fair” never even crosses our minds? I mean why should it? After all, for once in our life we’re the first in line. It all balances out, right? I mean, how many times have we been the last in line? Oh, but how many times have we thought while standing at the end of the line, “this isn’t fair”?
Even at six my son has determined that as long as things go his way, life is fair. But God save us from ourselves when things DON’T go our way. When you strip it all down, as long as things go our way, fair isn’t even part of the equation. It is that deep-rooted, in-born, part of humanity that we call Selfishness. It’s what some refer to as the “Me Complex”.
“What about me? What about me? What about me?” It’s that voice inside of us that never shuts up no matter how often we feed it and give in to it. It says, “Unless I get what I want, life is not fair. And it’s everybody else’s fault.”
Now I know that my son is six and there is so much that he needs to learn yet. I know that by and large, kids are just selfish. (I was!) I mean their whole world view is wrapped up in their limited perspective of the here and now. I mean my kid can’t even fathom that there are entire other cities beyond our Minneapolis, much less an entire world outside of our United States. He doesn’t even understand what a minute is. To him, a minute is how long he needs to wait for me to stop what I’m doing in order to rush to his next need. “Dad, can I get out of the tub now?” “In a minute.” “Dad, can I have a snack now?” “In a minute..!” “Dad, can I watch a movie now?” “In a minute!!!”
You get the point.
But fairness? I guess my whole take on this starts with the question, who initiated the whole concept of “fairness”? Who was the first person to ever say, “that’s not fair”? How did they even know what “fair” is? It seems to me that no two humans on this planet have ever shared the exact same experiences in the exact same manner, thus, how can anyone determine what is fair unless you’ve experienced the exact same experiences in the exact same manner?
The dictionary defines Fair as such - “marked by impartiality and honesty : free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism.”
Self-Interest. Prejudice. Favoritism. Yeah, the human race has done a bang up job in denouncing these qualities, hasn’t it? I mean, we have rules and laws and courts and judges and juries all in place to ensure that we all live within certain boundaries and expectations in our society. We’re told that as long as we do the right thing, everything will work out just fine. But what about the single dad who works 70 hours a week in hopes to land that big account for his company so he can get that promotion and take better care of his kids....only to be passed over for the guy who has no kids, won $5000 in the lottery, and acquired the big account through less than honest means? Is that fair?
What about the 50 year old who never drinks, never smokes, runs 4 miles a day, and eats healthy at every meal. He’s the picture of good health, having done all the right things and yet, one day while eating his Special K, he falls over from a heart attack. Meanwhile, the 90 year old who smokes a pack of Camels everyday, and eats red meat while washing it down with a six pack of Bud, goes on like a Timex watch. Is this fair?
Life isn’t fair. And truth be told, it never will be. But the more I stop to think about it, the more I get it. Life can’t be fair. Because in essence, in order for our lives to be considered fair, it would require every situation, circumstance, and event to pan out in the exact way we want it to. And that, in essence, would require every situation, circumstance, and event to NOT pan out in the exact way that someone else would want it to. Life just can’t go both ways like that.
So there I am with my six year old son. His eyes are filling up with tears, wondering why his sister gets to have all the fun. Why does she get to be with his friend while he is relegated to a boring Friday night with me and his mom? It just doesn’t make any sense to him at all and no wise words from dad are going to help him deal with this very real and very unfair situation. In that moment, I got it. I realized that every situation and circumstance and event that ever left me angry, frustrated, and rejected, was never about being fair at all. It was about growth and perspective and experience and appreciation. I mean if I always got my way in life, how could I ever appreciate the good when I experience it? Without the bad, or rather the unfair, there wouldn’t be a reference point to show me what is good.
So I see my heartbroken little boy (yes, at six years old, this IS a big deal)... and I realize that life isn’t about what’s fair so much as it’s about how to handle life when it’s unfair. Because that’s when we grow and learn and cope and ask questions and search for answers and gain wisdom and experience. It’s what makes us better. And that is what makes life so much more worth living than any amount of fairness. I mean, our limited views on what is and isn’t fair are completely squashed when the real world kicks in. When a hurricane crushes an entire city; when a town is destroyed by a tornado; when a wife and mother is mugged and left for dead; when a child is kidnapped; when a family member is diagnosed with inoperable cancer....when life is unfair for others or ourselves, it is at that moment that we realize that our short-sighted view of “fair” is just that; short-sighted. And it is at that moment where we realize that even the very breath we take is a gift.
So now, I ask you - do you really want life to be fair all the time? Do you really need life to go your way every moment of every day? Is your life nothing more than a short-sighted view of which you cannot see beyond yourself?
May you come to realize that life is not meant to be fair, but rather it is meant to be experienced in all its ups and downs. May you realize that fairness is honest and impartial. May you be set free from self-interest, prejudice, and favoritism. May you embrace this life for all it is. Unfair and all.
Tommy Wittig
© 2012 T-Dub-Ya Words
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
We Have Success!
Success. This is a word that gets a lot of mileage these days. More often than not we use it to describe the culmination of something that goes in our favor. For instance, we consider it a success if we find a pair of jeans on sale that are actually in our size. We consider it a success if we find a ten dollar bill in our coat pocket (which was probably left there since last winter). We consider it a success if traffic is lighter than usual. We consider it a success when we’re standing in line at the grocery store and suddenly another cashier opens up the lane next to us. Just like that we go from last in line to first in line. Does it get any better than this?
So how do you define Success? What does Success mean to you? Is it raising your kids to be healthy, well-adjusted adults? Is it earning a specific amount of money? Is it getting in and out of the grocery store in less than 15 minutes? Is it simply being able to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want, where you want, and how you want?
No matter how you define success, there appears to be a common theme through it all - Success equals happiness. I know, I know, it seems pretty odd that I’m actually going to write an article on how Success makes us happy. The funny thing is, you’re actually reading it.
Now before you go thinking, “Wow, he really IS rusty! He’s writing articles about how to be happy.”, just promise me you’ll read on, because it’s not as basic as it sounds.
But then again.... maybe it is.
I got to thinking the other day about how often we complicate our lives. When it comes to success, we think that it is this unattainable, complex, difficult to reach mirage that lies just above the clouds, clutched by the gods and bestowed upon the fortunate few who have either sold their souls or their first born into the service of the darkest of cults. We think our neighbors have it so much better than us because, after all, they have a three car garage and a nicer yard. We think that our co-workers have the secret to success all figured out because they got a raise, and, my-oh-my, did you see the shoes she’s wearing? Must have cost $200!!!
We look around and everywhere we turn we find ourselves playing the comparison game, wanting everything that everyone else has, and convincing ourselves that what we have is inferior. After all, they must be more successful than me to be able to have such nice things.
But is that what success really is? Keeping up with the Jones’s? Gauging our success based on what others have is no way to live. Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed, the Jones’s just maxed out their fourth credit card and because of the financial strain they have imposed upon themselves, they have to see a therapist. Is that what you want for yourself? Is that the kind of success you want? (hint - the correct answer is no.)
Even though the word Success gets tossed around A LOT, and even though many of us gauge our own success based upon what others have, and even though we can complicate our lives so easily by chasing after all the wrong things, and even though most peoples ideas of success usually equate to material gain, success is not as bland or as elusive or as materialistic as we think. In fact success is simply... simple.
At least, it’s as simple as we want it to be.
Let me explain. In life, it’s natural to want stuff. I want stuff, you want stuff, we all want stuff. Some of this stuff is superficial (think the latest, greatest electronic gizmos), and some of it is genuine and considerate (think world peace and charity). But regardless of what we want, the question is how are we going to acquire that which we want? Wanting the stuff is easy, and for some it’s just as easy to acquire the stuff by either going into debt, hurting or neglecting someone in the process, or just out and out taking it without any consideration to future implications. And that’s where we complicate and make a mess of our lives. Simply put, we didn’t have a plan to get what we wanted. Instead, we acted on impulse when something struck our fancy, and then when the moment passed, we were left with a mess (think debt, loss of time, and wrong prioritization to name a few).
Success is not about what a person gains or acquires. It is about achievement. It is about saying what you’re going to do and then doing what you said. It is about having a plan and sticking to that plan until you achieve the end objective. It can be about acquiring something but it should never come about with going into debt or harming someone else in the process. It can be about getting from point A to point B within a certain time frame, or it can be about losing a few unwanted pounds. It can be about reaching out to a long lost friend or it can be about investing more time into your current relationships. It can be as simple as getting up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning to exercise or as insignificant as taking two minutes on your lunch break to set up an appointment for a haircut. As long as you make a plan and achieve what you set out to do, you are successful. Congratulations!
Look I know that there will be some who read this and think, “Oh great. He’s reducing success to its lowest common denominator.” Yes!! That’s exactly what I’m doing here. So many people feel less than successful in life because they have this predisposed notion that success is only about achieving great big things. Either you Climb Mount Everest or find a cure for Cancer, or you’re not successful. I disagree. I think success is as simple as planning a time to cut your toenails and then living up to that plan. I think success is as simple as setting your alarm for 5:00a.m., and then getting up at 5:00a.m. without hitting snooze three times. Success is simple. Success needs to be simple otherwise, yes, there would only be few select people on this planet who can lay claim to being successful.
All you need in order to be successful is to start with a plan. Take the time to write down your goals and make a plan to achieve them. It’s that simple. If your goal is to earn more money this year than last year, then what is your plan? Are you going to take on a second job? Are you going to look for a better paying job than the one you have right now? What ever the solution, just make a plan and stick to it. Is your goal to weigh five pounds less in thirty days? Then make a plan. Will it be to eat healthier? To exercise more? To do both? Make a plan and stick to it.
Success is not complicated. Make a plan and do it. Say what you’re going to do and do what you said. Keep your goals small at first if you need to get some momentum going, but don’t stop there. Once you get a taste for success, you’ll find that there are few areas in your life that can’t stand a little improvement. Whatever those improvements might be, just make a plan and then do it. It really is that simple.
And what about that equation I spoke of earlier? Remember? Success equals happiness? Well, just you go ahead and tell me that after a few of your goals have been achieved that you aren’t happier for it. Just you try and tell me that feeling good about yourself leads to misery and depression. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Generally speaking, when we achieve our goals, we feel more confident and optimistic. We feel less like the bug and more like the windshield. We carry a sense of pride, a healthy sense of pride, that is. And why shouldn’t we? Maybe we didn’t climb Mount Everest, but so what. We achieved our goals. We are successful.
So what is it that you need to make a plan for? Grab a pen and paper and get to writing all the things you want to achieve. Plan it out and then get to work. Success is all inclusive and we’re all here waiting for you to join in with us.
Tommy Wittig
© 2012 T-Dub-Ya Words
So how do you define Success? What does Success mean to you? Is it raising your kids to be healthy, well-adjusted adults? Is it earning a specific amount of money? Is it getting in and out of the grocery store in less than 15 minutes? Is it simply being able to do what you want, when you want, with whom you want, where you want, and how you want?
No matter how you define success, there appears to be a common theme through it all - Success equals happiness. I know, I know, it seems pretty odd that I’m actually going to write an article on how Success makes us happy. The funny thing is, you’re actually reading it.
Now before you go thinking, “Wow, he really IS rusty! He’s writing articles about how to be happy.”, just promise me you’ll read on, because it’s not as basic as it sounds.
But then again.... maybe it is.
I got to thinking the other day about how often we complicate our lives. When it comes to success, we think that it is this unattainable, complex, difficult to reach mirage that lies just above the clouds, clutched by the gods and bestowed upon the fortunate few who have either sold their souls or their first born into the service of the darkest of cults. We think our neighbors have it so much better than us because, after all, they have a three car garage and a nicer yard. We think that our co-workers have the secret to success all figured out because they got a raise, and, my-oh-my, did you see the shoes she’s wearing? Must have cost $200!!!
We look around and everywhere we turn we find ourselves playing the comparison game, wanting everything that everyone else has, and convincing ourselves that what we have is inferior. After all, they must be more successful than me to be able to have such nice things.
But is that what success really is? Keeping up with the Jones’s? Gauging our success based on what others have is no way to live. Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed, the Jones’s just maxed out their fourth credit card and because of the financial strain they have imposed upon themselves, they have to see a therapist. Is that what you want for yourself? Is that the kind of success you want? (hint - the correct answer is no.)
Even though the word Success gets tossed around A LOT, and even though many of us gauge our own success based upon what others have, and even though we can complicate our lives so easily by chasing after all the wrong things, and even though most peoples ideas of success usually equate to material gain, success is not as bland or as elusive or as materialistic as we think. In fact success is simply... simple.
At least, it’s as simple as we want it to be.
Let me explain. In life, it’s natural to want stuff. I want stuff, you want stuff, we all want stuff. Some of this stuff is superficial (think the latest, greatest electronic gizmos), and some of it is genuine and considerate (think world peace and charity). But regardless of what we want, the question is how are we going to acquire that which we want? Wanting the stuff is easy, and for some it’s just as easy to acquire the stuff by either going into debt, hurting or neglecting someone in the process, or just out and out taking it without any consideration to future implications. And that’s where we complicate and make a mess of our lives. Simply put, we didn’t have a plan to get what we wanted. Instead, we acted on impulse when something struck our fancy, and then when the moment passed, we were left with a mess (think debt, loss of time, and wrong prioritization to name a few).
Success is not about what a person gains or acquires. It is about achievement. It is about saying what you’re going to do and then doing what you said. It is about having a plan and sticking to that plan until you achieve the end objective. It can be about acquiring something but it should never come about with going into debt or harming someone else in the process. It can be about getting from point A to point B within a certain time frame, or it can be about losing a few unwanted pounds. It can be about reaching out to a long lost friend or it can be about investing more time into your current relationships. It can be as simple as getting up fifteen minutes earlier in the morning to exercise or as insignificant as taking two minutes on your lunch break to set up an appointment for a haircut. As long as you make a plan and achieve what you set out to do, you are successful. Congratulations!
Look I know that there will be some who read this and think, “Oh great. He’s reducing success to its lowest common denominator.” Yes!! That’s exactly what I’m doing here. So many people feel less than successful in life because they have this predisposed notion that success is only about achieving great big things. Either you Climb Mount Everest or find a cure for Cancer, or you’re not successful. I disagree. I think success is as simple as planning a time to cut your toenails and then living up to that plan. I think success is as simple as setting your alarm for 5:00a.m., and then getting up at 5:00a.m. without hitting snooze three times. Success is simple. Success needs to be simple otherwise, yes, there would only be few select people on this planet who can lay claim to being successful.
All you need in order to be successful is to start with a plan. Take the time to write down your goals and make a plan to achieve them. It’s that simple. If your goal is to earn more money this year than last year, then what is your plan? Are you going to take on a second job? Are you going to look for a better paying job than the one you have right now? What ever the solution, just make a plan and stick to it. Is your goal to weigh five pounds less in thirty days? Then make a plan. Will it be to eat healthier? To exercise more? To do both? Make a plan and stick to it.
Success is not complicated. Make a plan and do it. Say what you’re going to do and do what you said. Keep your goals small at first if you need to get some momentum going, but don’t stop there. Once you get a taste for success, you’ll find that there are few areas in your life that can’t stand a little improvement. Whatever those improvements might be, just make a plan and then do it. It really is that simple.
And what about that equation I spoke of earlier? Remember? Success equals happiness? Well, just you go ahead and tell me that after a few of your goals have been achieved that you aren’t happier for it. Just you try and tell me that feeling good about yourself leads to misery and depression. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Generally speaking, when we achieve our goals, we feel more confident and optimistic. We feel less like the bug and more like the windshield. We carry a sense of pride, a healthy sense of pride, that is. And why shouldn’t we? Maybe we didn’t climb Mount Everest, but so what. We achieved our goals. We are successful.
So what is it that you need to make a plan for? Grab a pen and paper and get to writing all the things you want to achieve. Plan it out and then get to work. Success is all inclusive and we’re all here waiting for you to join in with us.
Tommy Wittig
© 2012 T-Dub-Ya Words
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